THE MAN WITH A BLACK HEART. SHORT STORY. PART 1.

I was walking in the rain. Crying. Rain drops and tears were going thought my cheeks. All mixed up like good margarita cocktail, so nobody even didn’t taste the salt on the edge.

The wind was blowing hard. In opened my top button of my leather coat. I kept walking face down. Squeezing my hands in the pockets. Wanting nobody to notice me. I heard the thunder. The sound was magnificent. It felt like it was just next to me. I looked up. Wanted to see the light. The light in the sky. Hoping it would show me the way. Way anywhere. Somewhere. And I just felt strong and harsh kiss of the wind going thought my body. It blew away my scarf. I felt how it just slipped away from my neck. It was my favorite. That black silk was so soft and felt like my own skin. I turned around hoping to catch in the wind. I was prepared to run. And then I stopped in shock. There was a man, holding his hand up with my scarf, which he just cached. He was all black. Black soul. It was just like looking in a mirror. Again.

He looked at me smiled with the other half of his face. Sneaky. Came closer to me and wrapped scarf on my neck. In his deep voice he told ´I think you lost this´. His deep blue eyes looked at me. I could feel the deepness of his gaze. He could make anyone fall in love with him just with one gaze. He has that effect, his darkness attracts every woman.

´I thought you stayed inside with your friends´ I told stuttering. It was hard to speak since tears were still filling my cheekbones and the pain from inside was unbearable. I was feeling how every single part of my heart was falling down like a broken mirror. And with every step I felt like I am stepping on a shattered glass just because with every step I was going more and more far away from him.

´I thought it doesn’t matter if I stay or go´ I told him. And I just looked at his blue eyes. He leaned closer to me. His manly big hands hold my face for a moment. And his lips touched mine for the first time. ´It matters´ he said and looked at me once more before letting me go.

And I kept standing in rain, looking him walking away. My lips were burning. His touch was magical. I was waiting it for long time. I loved him long time. He knew. I told. I couldn’t hold this secret. This big of secret. I wanted to be happy for once. Since I met him I never thought about anything what was before. I only thought about what is now and what will be. But I never knew what will be. I never get to understand what he really wants and who he really is. He holds too many secrets. I know he has been hurt. He told me after I confessed my secret. He told he doesn’t know how to love anymore. I told him I can show it to him if only he lets me. But he kept quiet. As usual. Then others came and we didn’t talk anymore. He talked with everyone else in the bar just not me. I felt alone. When I got back home I felt stupid. As never before. I knew it was mistake to express my feelings before he did his. I felt like little girl in first grade. Ashamed for telling the boy that you like him and he just laughs and runs away. But at least then you know how that boy really feels and that he doesn’t like you at all. But I didn’t know at all.

There were so many signals. Just after we met thought my friend he asked my contacts. Messaged me time to time. I always answered same moment as I heart my phone beep, because it seemed like my heart was beeping. I fell in love straight away. It never happened to me before. But the way he was talking to me that night and looking at me, made me feel wanted again. He walked me back home that night and hold my hand. But that was the only time he ever held my hand.

Sometimes he wouldn’t write me for days or even weeks. It would kill me. And sometimes he would just pop up near my work, because he knew I finish 6 pm every day and leave the office thought the front door, and ask me for a coffee or a beer, if it´s Friday. We always talked for hours. About everything. Life, work, travel. He was very convincingly telling me about the beautiful places I must see and festivals we (yes we, not he or just me) have to visit. Promised to go with me to the festivals I wanted to go but never had someone to go with. See new towns. Museums. Listen to different music. It exited me. No one ever listened to me that much or made me any promises.

I thought all off this and his compliments to me, that I look nice are the signals that he is also into me. But I guess not. I will never understand men and what they want.

That night I received a message from him. He called me his dark angel and wished me good night. His darkness was drawing me in. Because I knew I had it too. That darkness of broken heart. But now it seemed for a moment like I will not have to go thought it all over again.

Later that week he didn’t wrote me anything. At all. I was afraid to write first. I didn’t want to mess it up by rushing anything. But I needed to see him. I needed him as fish needs water no matter how idiotic that sounds. But I was just too afraid to make another step forward. So I kept standing. Standing for 2 weeks without anything. When I wrote to him because silence was killing me. I never received the answer.

Later that month I went out with some common friends. I was again feeling depressed. Seemed nothing matters anymore. I couldn’t eat or drink. Even look in the mirror. It seemed like the person on it is so horrifying and worthless and no one can manage to love it. It was me. Always it was me. It´s me who no one wants. It´s all my mistakes.

But for the little chance I might actually see him I tried to look half decent. I put on my ´I am alright´ mask before everyone and kept fake smiling and talk about things nobody cares about. Until I have seen him. He walked into the bar with some friend, looked my way, I tried to say ´Hi´ but he just looked away and kept walking. That moment I felt how tears are tearing up inside me so I just said to people around me that I feel tired so I will run home, have a nice night and good bye. And I ran. I ran to the street. I ran to the corner of next building and screamed. Peopled looked around me like I am crazy. I didn’t care because I am crazy. Crazy to fall in love with person who doesn’t care about me. At all. I kept running and running until I couldn’t walk anymore. I sat on the bench and stayed there for a while. I wasn’t scared that it was night, that I was alone and it was dangerous. All I was afraid of now was getting last piece of my heart broken. I thought to calm myself down. Read something. I took my phone and was running thought some new post on the media. People were posting some pictured. People from the bar. Some girls were going wild. But my eye didn’t catch that. My eye cached something in the back area in one of the pictures.  It was him. I zoomed in. It was really him. In that picture. Picture, where in the back I can see him kissing another brunette. Who had her arms around him. I was reading comments. They seemed to be popping up one after another. About nothing I wanted to know. Until someone mentioned to look in the background and see him and his new girlfriend going strong on the couch in the bar. That was the moment I felt big deep sharp thing going thought my heart. I started shaking. I kept shaking until next day morning. On same bench. People just kept passing by and I kept sitting. Until I decided to stand up and walk home. Then got into hot bath to warm my freezing body. I kept thinking and thinking how I could of not noticed that he was just always toying with me. Those signals were fake. Everything was fake. Now all his little sneaky smiles made sense to me. He just likes to hurt people. Hurt women. Hurt me. He was the black man who was meant to teach me a lesson to never fall in love with the man who has a black heart.

FEBRUARY 15, 2016